Strong Parenting Begins With An Emotional Investment

By Maggie Macaulay, MSEd, owner of Whole Hearted Parenting, parent educator, coach, and co-founder of Whole Hearted Adoption Seminars.

Compassion unites us. Highly valued by most cultures and religions, compassion has been described by His Holiness the Dalai Lama as “the genuine wish for the well-being of another.” Compassion results in a child who feels safe and validated, and the growth of this powerful emotion begins in the family as we make connections with one another.

MAKING CONNECTIONS
Dr. Edward Hallowell, child psychiatrist and author, calls connection “the single most important childhood root of adult happiness.” He says connecting with others is the foundation for resiliency and “enduring optimism.”

To understand your connections with your child, take a moment to view your relationship as if it were a bank account — an emotional bank account, of course. Just like a financial bank account, we can make deposits and debits. When we yell, threaten, punish, ignore, or blame a child, we debit that emotional account. When we negotiate, teach, listen, hug, affirm, validate, encourage, speak assertively, and guide a child, we make deposits to that account. With each deposit, we create connection and closeness. With each debit, we create detachment and distance. Check your balance weekly. Compassion begins with our emotional bank account and the connections we create with our children.

DEVELOPING EMPATHY
Empathy is understanding the feelings experienced by another. It does not mean taking on those feelings as your own or mending any pains or troubles in the other person. Empathizing with your child means listening to the child then conveying that he or she is heard and understood. When we listen to our children, they receive the critical message that we have time for them. The more we, as parents, develop empathy, the more we can help our children handle their own emotions and upsets. Plus empathy is a vital component of our children’s discipline. Here are a few simple exercises to help you and your child develop empathy.

Finding The “Yes” In “No”
Whenever a child says “no” to a request he is saying “yes” to something on his own agenda. In Parenting From Your Heart, author Inbal Kashtan suggests that “ ‘no’ can be the beginning of a conversation.” Rather than letting “no” trigger a power struggle, begin with understanding the “yes.” If you ask your child to turn off the television and he says “no,” recognize his “yes.” Your response could be “It sounds like you would like to continue watching television, but it’s time for us to go.” The conversation might continue, and you have side-stepped a dispute and avoided debits from your emotional bank account while teaching your child that you are sensitive to his needs.

Learning To Notice
Most of us grew up receiving judgment and praise, such as “You are the smartest one in your class,” or “Beautiful dancing!” If we practice what Dr. Becky Bailey, creator of Conscious Discipline©, calls “noticing,” we can suspend judgment and give our children the feedback they need. For instance, instead of saying “Great skipping,” say “Look at you skip” or “Your legs are going step-hop, step-hop.” Replace “You are rude and disrespectful” with “You sound very angry.” Noticing gives children information that will increase their self-awareness. Simply reflect back what you observe. We can help our children develop compassion by practicing empathy and strengthening our emotional bank accounts. And by taking these steps, we will reap the benefits of compassionate living along with our children!

Strong parenting begins with an emotional attachment, something that has always been a theme with Lilo and Stitch. Find fun family ideas at Disney's Lilo & Stitch 2 Website

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